“The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you.” B.B. King
In a previous column, I expressed my aversion to New Year resolutions. It occurs to me now, there is another reason for that I didn’t mention back then. I, a teacher who was raised by teachers, live my life by the academic calendar. So, now, in the dead heat of summer, I wish a Happy New Year to all who celebrate! As we begin a new school year, learning is top of mind, but not only in the context of formal education. I am always reflecting, reading, writing, thinking and learning about myself, about how I want to live in the world, and about how I want to navigate relationships with others. When I considered various topics for this column, I had trouble narrowing it down. So, in lieu of a deep dive into one topic, I will share with you a series of things I am learning that have made my life better.
On Self
Thedore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Someone will always be more successful, wealthier, prettier, funnier, smarter, more talented, more everything than you. (Hello, social media.) Comparison, when it is unhealthy, leads to discontent in one’s own life and resentment of others. When we are centered and content in our own lives and identities, we have no need to compare with others except to be inspired. For me, and probably for many of us, this is one of those lessons that has to be learned over and over again. This also feels like a good time to remind all of us about the unfollow button.
On Friendship
Quality over quantity. This comes naturally with age, I think. While I know and genuinely enjoy a great many people, the word friend is becoming more sacred to me with the passage of time. This shift hasn’t been about ending friendships, or deliberately shrinking my circle, but more about knowing which relationships are deep and lasting connections, and which are pleasant acquaintanceships. I am blessed with a collection of women who celebrate and support each other through all circumstances and seasons of life. We laugh about silly things, and we cry about serious things. We cry about silly things and laugh about serious things. I am a big believer in vulnerability, and tend to overshare, but I am learning that not every relationship merits or requires a baring of my soul. A select and trustworthy few is more than enough. And when it isn’t, there’s always therapy.
On Society at Large
Speaking of therapy, upon my very first day on the couch many years ago, a therapist told me something I still think about almost daily. The story she told was this: You are cut off in traffic. A person in a stressed or unregulated state might get angry and have some choice words for the offender. A person who is calm and centered might think “They are really in a hurry, I hope everything is OK!”
What a revelation. We have a choice in how we interpret the actions of others, in how we assign meaning and motivation to their behaviors. Dr. Becky Kennedy calls this the “Most Generous Assumption.” Rather than assuming the worst, or jumping to a place of victimhood, we have the option to presume that most people are doing the best they can and have good intentions. That woman who was rude at the grocery store? I’m genuinely sorry for whatever has her so stressed out. The guy who bumped into you? He could be distracted thinking about something difficult in his life. In practicing this philosophy, I have learned that it carries an added benefit: When we give grace and empathy to others, we may find it easier to give grace to ourselves. This is excellent news for a recovering perfectionist.
On Stress and Worry
This very simple, totally accessible trick has quite literally changed my life. It was shared with me by a dear friend, and I have been telling everyone who will listen. It is that good. As you know by now, I experience a moderate amount of anxiety and occasional panic attacks. I have heard and read a mind-boggling number of techniques for dealing with it, and this is by far the easiest and most effective I have learned. While we may not all suffer from chronic anxiety, we certainly all have fears and worries, and we don’t always have time to go for a walk or take a meditation or yoga break! The trick is this: By holding an ice cube in each hand, we can disrupt the nervous system and draw attention to a new and external sensation, distracting us from the source of negativity. Incredible. I focus on the sensation of cold, I watch them melt, I engage in mindful breathing, and I sometimes find it helpful to sing a little song. When I say “a little song,” I mean the ABCs or “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” or something. Yes, I have done this in public, and yes, it was funny. But it worked. Two minutes later, crisis averted.
As a passionate and devoted educator, it feels a little odd that this wasn’t exactly a back-to-school post, but the fact is, remembering each of these things I have learned will make me a more effective, capable and compassionate teacher, partner, friend and all-around human being. Here’s to a wonderful school year, and a lifetime of learning.
