She wakes up not understanding why she can’t sleep, not fully grasping the reason for the sadness, the heaviness, the discontent. Her mind races, which only pulls her deeper. She can’t seem to get her footing.
Then the alarm goes off.
She is a parent, a caregiver, an employee, a leader, a spouse. She has other titles given to her, some voluntarily, some not. She hits snooze. It doesn’t help. So she gets up, dresses and watches her mind fill with every worst version of the day ahead. Looking in the mirror, she already knows today is going to be another one of those days. A day when she has to put on a smile. She simply cannot afford not to.
The kids’ alarm goes off and that’s when her parenting begins. Even though she is breaking apart inside, she lays out clothes, fixes breakfast, packs lunches and keeps everything moving. She tries her daily affirmations while doing it, but deep down she doesn’t believe them. She keeps smiling anyway. She doesn’t want anyone to worry.
“I love you, have an amazing day!” She drops off her child, and then she is alone with her thoughts again.
On the drive to work, the tears show up. She tries to give herself a pep talk: Today is going to be amazing, today is going to be great, today is going to be … She can’t finish. She doesn’t believe it. She pulls into the parking lot and puts the smile back on her face. One minute at a time, she pushes through her to-do list.
Roughly 12 percent of Americans deal with depression. A smaller group, around 1.5 percent, experience what is known as high-functioning depression: chronic depression symptoms that persist even while a person maintains daily responsibilities, like work, school and relationships. These are people who function on the outside while their insides are, as one description puts it, literally about to shut down.
I am one of those people.
I have dealt with depression for most of my life. And what I’ve learned is that when people encounter something they don’t understand, they tend to minimize it. I’ve heard it all. Why don’t you just choose to be happy? You have everything! Why isn’t that enough? Change your mindset. It’s up to you! These responses may be well-intentioned, but all they do is push people deeper into the performance. We learn to keep the exterior polished and the interior hidden.
As a society, we have been conditioned to push through, focus on the prize and trust that it will all work out. What we need instead is a culture where seeking medication or seeing a counselor are considered as normal as treating any other illness. We need to give ourselves grace. We need to understand that good days and bad days come to everyone, and that how we come back from the bad ones is what shapes us.
If you are living with high-functioning depression, I want you to know that there is help.
Start by understanding that depression is an illness, and like any other illness, it requires medical attention. Getting on medication does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you’ll be on it forever. It means you are getting the help you need to begin. Once you find a professional who can support you, start doing the work of identifying root causes. Learn to separate what you can control from what you cannot. Focus your energy on the former and practice releasing the latter. I learned the hard way that trying to control every outcome and every person around me left me exhausted and more defeated. That lesson took years.
It has taken me more than a decade to get to a place where I can admit I have depression. Some days are not good. Some days are. On the good days, I make the most of them.
For those of you who are living your best life on the outside while hanging on by a thread on the inside, please understand you are not alone. There is an entire community of people doing exactly the same thing. You are worthy of something better. You deserve real happiness. And you owe it to yourself to figure out what is keeping you from it.
The broken ones are everywhere. They are the doctors saving lives, the preachers leading congregations, the teachers inspiring children, the advocates fighting for their communities, all while carrying something no one around them can see. To those people, I offer this: Your struggle has not been in vain. Tomorrow can be better. And if you are willing to go on this journey, you can heal.
We are in this together. Don’t give up.
If you are struggling with depression or mental health challenges, please reach out to a medical professional or call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
