There seem to be three stages of man (and by man, I mean mankind, which includes women). These stages are: Untamed, Growth and Checking on Stuff. These can overlap in degree from minuscule to colossal, but in general, that’s what we are dealing with.
The Untamed Stage: This includes infants and small children, who are out of control until someone trains them. If you have ever been around toddlers for any amount of time, this needs no explanation. They are unintentionally destructive (at least typically). They are also disproportionately high maintenance. The Untamed Stage has an alternate designation: Limit Tester. It’s actually their cosmic JOB to test the limits of everything around them. A job at which they excel. It is with a kind of awe, tinged with terror, that the rest of us on the planet strive to help these untamed people progress out of, and away from, that dreaded stage.
The Growth Stage: On paper, this is the most wonderful stage of life. The origins of understanding of problems and solutions, subjects that are taught in school, spiritual awareness, discovery of gifts and talents of our own and of others. Building of personality, and interactive relationships. However, this is a stage that can really get sideways. Distractions are an integral part of this stage, but entirely necessary. (Physical attractions, football and faster vehicles were a few of my distractions.) We should actually never stop growing, but unfortunately some do—stuck on one or more of the aforementioned distractions. This is the stage that we normally mature, become “adults” and rise to some sense of responsibility.
The Checking on Stuff Stage: This is the stage in which I currently reside. I have completed, or at least outlived the other stages. My beautiful wife sometimes tells me that I have a tiny bit of vestigial Untamed Stage, but that’s just one woman’s opinion, of course.
This is the stage where you just go around checking on the stuff you spent your Growth Stage learning about, achieving, attaining and purchasing. No judgment here, but some of these acquisitions have been great, fruitful, edifying, productive. (Some not so much.) I get up in the morning, and check the weather. Around here, of course, you have to do that multiple times daily, because this is the weather update capital of the world. Doppler Dave is one of my favorite people. He rides herd on this crazy High Plains weather like a buckaroo.
Next, I check on the news. Make sure nothing heavy is falling out of the sky, no fire in the area, and what kind of puppy is available today through the animal shelters.
Check the thermostat. Can’t have too much heat (or AC) wasted through inefficient climate control settings. This is why I check with Doppler Dave first.
Check the coffee supply. I do this while I am making my coffee. No, it isn’t included in the “check groceries” category. This is about seven notches above food on the checklist. My worst nightmare is no coffee in the house. Thank the Good Lord and my wife that almost never happens.
Check the checkbook. Check on the checks, check the balance, check the general fund. This is one of the things I had real problems with in my Growth Stage.
Check the bills. Who’s ahead today: Us or them? Are we caught up, or is that one straggler still out there? You never know until you … check.
I never worry about checking cat food. There’s only one thing on the Checking-On List for my cat, Miko: Food. If you have a cat, no further explanation is needed. If you don’t, get one. Why should I be the only one who gets nagged by a creature who is one-fiftieth my size?
Check on toiletries and grooming supplies. Normally, my beautiful wife takes care of these, but she has a tendency to over-feminize our bathroom with fragrances that, in my opinion, shouldn’t be found on a man. Nor earth. Many of them are in the vicinity of our bathtub. Some make my nose run. Some give me a headache. Some I have actually returned home to wash out of my hair.
Check on the cars. Check the gas, check the oil, check the transmission fluid, check the tires, and in the case of my mate’s car, check the interior. Being from whatever planet she came from, she does not possess the ability to remove the debris from her car. She will be actively angry at me the day I hire an archaeologist.
Nonetheless, she is the very first on my Checking on People list. She is top priority. Then the kids, the folks and the friends.
It’s an exhausting job, but you know what they say: Somebody has to do it. I have lived my life for this Stage. Paid my dues, and I very heartily enjoy the position of Checker of All Stuff.
